As much as Joe and I love Josie and have known since we saw her picture that she's our daughter, we have realized that we need to parent her differently than our first three. Having an adoptive child is different, not in our hearts of course, but certainly in Josie's....for now.
I found this post from another adoptive parent and thought she explained it great!
As strange as it may seem, adopted children who act very outgoing and affectionate with strangers is not a healthy thing. It is called "indiscriminate affection" and can mean that they haven't really attached to anyone. It would not be a good sign that our baby has attached to us if during her first months home she will let just anyone take her and hold her without searching for us. Joe and I have to be sure that Josie will not go to practically anyone. In one of the books we are reading it states that when parents see their child seeking attention indiscriminately, they need to intervene quickly, firmly, and kindly. This behavior is pure and simple her using survival skills. From our observations, Josie is acting mostly out of pure survival. She craves attention and most likely is fearful of being abandoned or having her life change YET again. We have no idea what she has endured during her short life. But we do know that how we interact with her and what we allow others to do will impact her future and hopefully she will blossom into a healthy child both emotionally and physically.
In the book we are reading now it tells you how to establish relationships. Josie needs to learn and must be taught who her parents are and who will ultimately be the one she can rely on. It suggests the following interactions:
Parents and Siblings ~ hugging, kissing, sitting on lap
Extended Family ~ Blowing kisses, sitting close but not on lap
Friends ~ Shaking hands, sitting nearby
Acquaintances ~ Waving, but not touching
Strangers ~ Nodding, keeping near parents, no touching
love you all!
julie
3 comments:
Julie,
I know exactly what you mean. I has also read the same suggestions and when I came home with Courtney in Oct, 2007 for the first few months we stayed very close to home until we felt she was attached to the family and then we started to slowly take her out into the public (for socialization). Now she is a very happy, definitely attached and thriving 27 month old. Just know that all of the love you show her will be very beneficial to her well-being. Good luck and congratulations on your newest addition!! She is beautiful.
I totally agree! We were so thankful that friends who had adopted and our social worker had suggested that we keep everyone away from Lydia until our immediate family felt like she had bonded in heart to us. We also felt like we needed to honor Luke and Seth and let them feel like they had adequate time to bond with her. Lydia wasn't very outgoing when we got her but several other girls in our group were..they would go to anyone who wanted to hold them. We were grateful that Lydia was reserving herself only for us while we were in China and she continued this for months after we got home with her.
I can't wait to talk with you...call me when you get a spare minute.. :)
much love and many prayers!
Tara
thank you that was very helpful!
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